summer's end

I spent the last week on vacation, away from screens of computers and laptops and phones. Instead, we hiked through forests and camped amongst the trees. We carried our sleeping bags and mats and food and water on our backs. We worked up a good sweat.

We found a campsite across from the stream and set up our tent. We cooked up dinner over a little camp stove (no fires allowed) by boiling water and pouring into special freeze-dried camp food pouches.  

We slept on the hard ground in the darkness of the trees, with only the sounds of crickets and the stream and the occasional airplane flying overhead. In the morning, I did some yoga amidst the trees to wake up my stiff muscles for the return hike. Then we cooked eggs over the camp stove to eat with  homemade protein bars and hot tea for additional warmth + energy.  

We trekked back up the mountain, and spotted deer and snakes and signs of fall. Thankfully, no bears.

Then, the day after we returned with sore backs, we packed up and drove four hours to the beach. We stayed in a nice hotel for free thanks to many accumulated points from business travel. 

We sat on our beach chairs next to the crashing ocean and read books in the sunshine. We marveled at the size of the waves and the blueness of the cloudless sky and basked in the warmth of the sun. We trekked across giant sand dunes and marveled at the ingenuity of a pair of brothers at a flight memorial and found local restaurants to enjoy and dusted off our mini golf skills. We walked on the beach at nighttime and got up early so we could watch sunrise, and took a hundred photos of the pink sky above the churning sea. We swam in the salty water and bobbed in the waves and somersaulted as they crashed over us. We sat sandy and salty and finally got a bit of tan. 

Summer is glorious. I am glad we got this vacation in. It restored me. It is hard to explain just how powerful I find time at the beach. Love for the sea was instilled in me at a young age, perhaps due to my very first vacation to the Jersey shore at 3 months old. The only time I can truly say that I lived near the sea was the semester I spent in Ireland, with the Galway bay just a stone's throw from my little flat. And oh how I loved being so close to the water; I would go for long walks or runs along the shore and revel in the simple joy of walking barefoot through the sand, gazing into the angry waters. It was almost as if the draw to the water comes from my Irish roots and was awakened somehow during those months. There is just something about that expanse of water hugged by a stretch of white sand on one side and the brilliant blue of the sky on the other that speaks to a place inside my heart, not with words but with a deep, restful peace. And I know that being lakeside is seen as somewhat of an imposter when compared to the ocean, considered inferior to those who were raised next to coasts. For me though, in the years I lived in Chicago, the dazzling green of the lake that stretched out as far as eye could see had the same effect. I saw the lake almost every day: my apartment was just a few blocks away from sandy beaches, and I rode buses for miles next to the water, and I ran almost as many miles along the lake as I trained for races, and from my office downtown I could look out into the greys and greens and blues of the water, dotted with white sail boats in the summer or coated in ice and snow in the winter, every day I that I was at work. To be honest when I first moved to Chicago I was not a big fan of the city because of the immensity of it all; it was overwhelming. But the lake ~ the lake soothed me. The lake won me over. I went to the beach (yes, "beach", the wide stretches of sand count in my eyes, even if the waves are smaller than in the ocean) on a weekly basis when the weather was nice.  

I did not know how much I would miss it until it was no longer here. Summer just did not feel the same without it. 

But! Now I know that the even more glorious sea shore is just 4 hours away. And though summer is quickly drawing to a close, I am already so excited for next summer, as I imagine future trips to that stretch of sand, to that expanse of churning ocean, to that brilliant blue sky and the warm summer sun. And for the moment, I feel more ready to finally say goodbye to the summer, now that I've gotten my fill of sand and sea salt and sun. 

4 years

4 years ago today, I got married.

Hard to believe I have been married for 4 years now. We have been through a lot ~ settling into our first home. Writing and defending a masters thesis. Starting new jobs. Learning how to deal with the demands of a crazy work schedule. Promotions and new responsibilities. Miles and miles of running along the lake. A handful of races through the streets of Chicago. Trips to Jamaica and Ireland and Hawaii and London and Paris. Hikes up a mountain in Vancouver and along the Napali coast in Kauai and the Appalaichan trail through the Blue ridge mountains. Lots of nights out at Chicago area restaurants and bars. A couple of nights in a tent. Adventures in the kitchen and the home improvement store. It’s been a whirlwind. And through it all, I feel like we have really become a team.

Four years of married life in no way makes me an expert. I’m sure there are plenty of ups and downs ahead of us. But I do feel like I have learned a few things. Like: there are times when being married is really really hard. Everyone says that, but I totally didn’t get it until I was actually married. And then when it was hard, I was surprised. Ha! But when I got over the shock, I started figuring out how to deal with the hard stuff. After 4 years, I know now that not every bump is a threat to our marriage, which means we can actually deal with the issues instead of just freaking out. I learned to focus on making things better for my husband, instead of for me. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in selfish thoughts -exactly what makes married life hard, since that natural human tendency towards selfishness does not work well when you have two people to account for. So, for me, the antidote towards the hard times is to focus on loving the best that I can, to make things better for him - which then makes things better for me, too.

I also learned to focus on the positives in our relationship. In today’s society, I think there’s a tendency to focus on negativity everywhere, and my personal engineering tendency is to zoom in on whatever the problem is so I can try to fix it. But sometimes that’s counter productive, if your mental energy is being concentrated towards problems. And it’s easy to take the good stuff for granted. But focusing on the good qualities that made you fall in love in the first place is a great way to strengthen the relationship so you can get through the hard stuff together.

With that in mind, I wrote out a list of things that I love about my husband. Yeah it’s sappy. He might be embarrassed. Haha. But all of these things are true!

Things I love about my husband (limited to 10 for now!) ~

1. He makes me laugh. Since the day we first met, his silly sense of humor has given me so many great laughs. Bad day? he makes me laugh. Bored? he makes me laugh. Good day? the jokes fly back and forth.
2. He just may be the least lazy person that I know. He started working when he was 9 years old, doing yardwork for a family friend. And he’s been working hard every year since then. I never have to bug him about doing things around the house, because he will actively be looking for what he can get done next. I really admire his work ethic and dedication to doing the best job he can.
3. He is responsible. He is really good with money and taking care of all those crucial life things like bill paying and tuning up the car. So nice to know I can always count on him.
4. He is the outgoing half of our relationship. I am not so great at meeting new people, but it’s so much easier when he’s around because he can banter away - which makes me more comfortable, so that I can open up, too.
5. He loves animals. It is fun to watch how excited he gets over furry creatures. Or non furry ones, like the time we found lizards all over the walls of a castle we were visiting in Switzerland, or encountered a sea turtle while snorkeling in Hawaii.
6. He is adventurous. Such a thrill to see how effortlessly he can scramble up some rocks when we are out hiking. I tend to be pretty cautious so this is another quality that I admire- and try to tap into a bit :)
7. He is always supportive of me. When I didn’t know if I wanted to finish my PhD... when I knew I wanted to look for a new job... when I signed up for a half marathon and was totally freaked out at the thought of running 13 miles... he is always cheering me on and encouraging me. His support means so much.
8. He likes science. I don’t talk about my work/research with a lot of family and friends because, well, not everyone is into technical stuff. But I love that I can talk away with my husband, and brainstorm ideas, and get good feedback. And we have fun conversations about sciencey stuff in the news - I’ve learned a lot of IT stuff from hearing about his work and the articles he shares with me.
9. He likes making things. He made an end table last summer. And remember how I posted about this laundry room? He surprised me by making a replica of that wall mounted drying rack. He also is quite good at making dinner.... huge bonus!
10. He looks out for people. While a bit (ok, a lot) reserved about his emotions, underneath he really does care about others. He makes a great manager because he looks out for his team.

fearlessly navigating treacherous cliffs in Hawaii

ok, so chickens aren't his favorite. couldn't find another animal picture. 

I'm sure he will love me even more for posting this ;)

Bonus item: he gives the best back massages. ever. :)

Happy Anniversary to my amazing husband- I am so glad to have you in my life!

this day

December 12: Friday night. A blustery, snowy, cold, winter evening. I am tired after working all day. It was a fun day with the department's holiday party, but still I am tired, and it is cold outside. I'm tempted to stay holed up in my room all night, but eventually decide I may as well continue the festivities so on the urging of a sorority sister I brave the cold to head to a happy hour. Find the bar full of the sorority sister's graduate program classmates celebrating the end of their semester. I know almost all of them already, but there's a guy that I haven't seen before. He's introduced to me. Surprisingly he also did his undergrad degree at the same school, but even being on the same (small) campus for the past five years, our paths had never previously crossed. We start talking. He asks me lots of questions about myself. He makes me laugh. The room is full of friends of mine from the past 5 years, and we chat and dance and drink plastic cups of beer. And in between it all, I keep finding myself next to this guy, who keeps talking to me and making me laugh. At the end of the night, he asks for my phone number. I am a little surprised but also pleased, and I give it to him. Then he's gone.

I wonder if he will call me. I wonder if I will see him again. My annoying rational side says don't get too excited, I'm graduating next semester, not much point in dating here anymore. The party ends; my roommate and I go out in the cold to head home. Outside, it is much too cold for my preference. But on this day, I feel a warm glow thinking about the past six hours. I hope that he will call.

Seven years later. December 12: Sunday. A blustery, snowy, cold winter day. A good morning to sleep in late, recovering from a late night at a charity holiday party at a bar, organized by the group I volunteer with. The bar was full of friends, including that same sorority sister from 7 years ago and some other college friends who've migrated to Chicago as well, and some new ones. We chatted and danced and drank red wine and stayed out much later than usual. Now in the morning, I wake up with my husband and we find the wind whipping snow around outside. We make tea and coffee and breakfast, then it's time to brave the cold to walk a couple blocks to church. Back home, we dig the Christmas decorations out of storage. We drink more coffee and tea and do some work. We talk about our frustrations with our jobs and with the condo association. We talk about ideas for rearranging furniture, and our plans for the holidays. We sneak the leftover gingerbread men we made the day before for the party. He still makes me laugh all the time. We make dinner together and then have hot cocoa and watch the Simpsons and decorate our little Christmas tree. We sit on the couch with Christmas music playing and the glow of white lights winking against pine needles and sparkling in shiny ornaments.

I wonder where our careers will take us. I wonder about our future; we have so many questions right now. But I know that we'll be ok if we are figuring it out together. In the past seven years, we have been up and down as we've moved through the "better and worse" of life. I could never have imagined how love can bloom into something so full and so strong, from enduring life's trials and soaring on life's highs together. I am so glad that through it all, I kept finding this same guy next to me, talking about everything and cheering each other on through the hard stuff and, of course, making each other laugh. Outside, it is much too cold for my preference. But on this day, I feel a warm glow thinking about the past seven years. It is good to be together.

gratitude

happy Thanksgiving! I'm getting hungry.. definitely ready for some turkey!

I am thankful for many things.... my wonderful husband. my family. the friends I've made over the years (and the fact that I still get to see many old friends from time to time). health. having a good home and two good jobs even in this bad economy. having the opportunity daily to expand my mind at work. faith. the ability to run and dance. and right now, I'm very thankful for a relaxed holiday ~ no stress for me today! life is good :)

thursday thankfulness

I'm defaulting to my gratefulness theme today. Every Thursday I could probably write the same thing: I'm grateful that I get to see my husband tonight :) Especially today when the weather has been horrible with rain and crazy wind, and apparently storms where he's coming from. Seems we've had our first taste of wintery weather this week. Steve's flight was delayed by about 3 hours, but he managed to get standby on the earlier flight, so he'll be home just about 2 hours late, instead.

I spent the evening first braving the elements to go pick up our race packets (lost an umbrella to a particularly strong blast of wind!), then decompressing with Grey's Anatomy, and just finished tidying up a bit. It feels cozy here now, sitting quietly with rain tapping at the window, and I can't wait to have Steve here with me in the peace of our little space. I just got a text saying that he landed - so I am grateful that he will be home soon!

when you marry an engineer

When you marry an engineer, who goes into a consulting job that offers so many vacation days that he can’t seem to use them all over the year, and therefore he takes off random weeks in August** so as not to lose those days, this is how your back deck looks:

You see, the engineer-turned-consultant husband is not content to sit around on his random week off of work twiddling his thumbs. No, this industrious man needs to be *doing*. And the engineer who now works solely in IT tends to find himself with a need to build. Which means that now is the time to take some measurements, draw a few designs, buy some wood. And of course, break out the power tools.

The result: a cute little end table that matches our console and coffee tables, built to custom-specifications to fit the space between the wall and our couch. Ingenious.

perfect fit 

with console + coffee tables ~ custom set!

What can I say... I ♥ my engineer :)

** yes, these pictures - and the post - are from August. somehow I did not actually get around to clicking "publish post" until now. and while our living room looks much the same (I'm rather pleased with it currently!), our back deck is a bit sadder now, since we had to take our plants inside due to the cold temperatures that have arrived... alas. ah well, that means it is time to further cozy things up inside!

uncertainty

There are so many hard questions right now. Where to live, what to do with my career, what should steve do with his career (he is asking himself, as well), how do we spend more time with friends and family who are not close by, what about having kids? It's like being in the middle of the hardest exam ever but it just keeps going, for months. Hmm that is also what I said when I was writing my thesis…. But this is even harder than that, because I don't even have that nice structure of laying out chapters with intro/methods/results/discussion. My mind goes round in circles with these questions, and if I'm not careful, I get so stressed out at my own confusion that I end up feeling paralyzed and incapable of progressing at all.

I don’t know if I will be able to figure it all out. I'm trying to take it one at a time, like I did by starting with my own job hunt. But even the singular aspect of the job hunt is intrinsically linked to the other questions, anyway. Not to mention, the question "what do I want to do with my career" is hard enough on its own. Engineering, creativity, teamwork, prospects for growth and recognition, flexibilty for needs of my family….. Will I find the job that has the perfect balance of these things? 

The only approach that I can seem to manage is to tell that I will figure it out eventually, and to pray about it, and try my best to trust that God's plan will work out in the end so I shouldn't get overly stressed out. That trust is hard even though I like to think that I have strong faith. The fact that it's been hard lately is disappointing to me but I guess in the end, this whole process will hopefully have the result of strengthening my faith. I mean, after all, I guess I only need a mustardseed's worth of faith, right?

valentine

One of those things about love is that it pops up in places where it is not expected. Like in my 5th year of college while I was focused on grad school applications and fellowship essays, safe in the knowledge that I didn’t have to worry about dating that year since I’d be graduating in the spring. But somehow I met Steve at a party, and six years ago yesterday we went on our first date. And somehow through the casual college-style courting process, and then the stress of post-graduate decision making and long distance relationship, we ended up together. So here we are in our 3rd married Valentine’s Day, when I can’t help but think back to that beginning stage and how love snuck up on us, and notice how even now despite being in a comfortable, worn-in relationship, it can still be surprising.

Valentine’s Day tends to be pretty low key for us at this point. We like it that way. So it may be a fairly mundane weekend for us, but, I guess that’s one of those surprising things about love – discovering just how well it flourishes through the routines of our entwined lives. So we can get up on a lazy morning, pull out a cookbook and look through the cupboards, and then together engineer a healthy recipe for oatmeal banana pecan pancakes. And then cook them up in a heart shape, and take their picture, just for fun. And go off on an adventure to Ikea with some friends, and wander through the giant floors, and pick out some new wall lamps for the bedroom, and share a $1 frozen yogurt ice cream afterwards. And each do our own thing on a Sunday afternoon; book club for me, finishing up some work for Steve, and then come home to a quiet condo content that we will spend a nice Valentine’s evening together hanging the lamps and making a pizza and enjoying it with some wine and maybe even some chocolate fondu afterwards. And after all that, knowing that we can look back over our weekend and see love throughout all those activities, despite the lack of flashy romance pushed by the commercials this time of year. It seems to me that those flashy things might serve to hide the actual emotions, instead of highlighting them. In any case, I like our little Valentine’s Day together. It’s about celebrating love, and it’s hard not to celebrate when we find it so enmeshed in our ordinary lives.

Wishing you a Valentine’s day where the love shines through the ordinary, making it all the more special.

love what you do

You know that saying, “do what you love, love what you do”? It’s been on my mind lately. I’ve been struggling with motivation at work, as mentioned in the January slump post. I don’t want to go into too much detail about work stuff here, but suffice to say that I’ve felt stuck with a lot of work that I find to be fairly isolating, which does not work well in terms of my motivation levels. For several weeks I’ve had that feeling of dread in the mornings, where I just do not want to go to work. It gets pretty old after awhile. I’ve been thinking about how to fix this situation, and I think the solution is pretty simple ~ I need to start doing what I love. As in, think back to things that made me excited about my job in the past, and then try to do those things, again. I was able to come up with a few ideas thinking along these lines.

First idea: I really enjoyed last year when I was helping out on a research project, playing a muti-functional role: helping out with data collection for experiments with spinal cord injury patients, then analyzing the data, making figures, discussing the results with colleagues and figuring out what else we should try, and eventually putting together our findings into presentations for several conferences last year – one of which I actually got to give in a podium presentation. That was fun. It was working through the good old scientific process. And, it was working as part of a team. We had the post-doc who was coordinating the whole thing, and the therapist who helped out with the patients, and the primary investigators who managed us, and the engineers who helped with the coding/equipment machining for running the experiments. There were lots of discussions throughout the process; it did not involve working alone. I got to interact with patients, who are always such cool people. The experiments were a lot of fun, which may sound weird considering that they consisted of testing withdrawal reflexes via electrical stimulus to the hand. But they were very social with lots of chatting – as part of the actual protocol! And, the scientific concepts that we were testing were pretty cool, too.

So how can I start doing that again? As luck would have it, today another post-doc asked me about helping out with one of her experiments with a stroke patient tomorrow morning. It’s not quite the same thing in that she’s doing pretty much everything herself in terms of experimental design/analysis etc, but I’d get back into the lab doing experimental work for a bit. Also – I think that things are finally getting ready to continue the next aim of the project I was describing above. Roles have transitioned since then, but I hope I can help out in a similar manner. And, this science is pretty cool too ~ using transcranial magnetic stimulation, another crazy science technique that stimulates the motor cortex to produce actual twitches in the muscles. This is to test how well the brain can activate different muscles in the arm when it’s in different postures – both for unimpaired subjects, as well as with spinal cord injured patients. And again, the timing seems right: tomorrow afternoon, there is going to be a practice session with the equipment, and I can tag along to see how this brain zapping stuff works.

Sounds like it is good timing for me to get back to the lab. Unfortunately, there’s been a snow storm predicted to hit tonight, which originally had visions of a lazy snow day at home floating in my head… but if I want to kick start my work motivation, I will have to suck it up and head in through the snow, so that I can finally attempt to get back to some more fun work. So far the snowfall has not been terrible, so fingers crossed that it does not dump too much more on us overnight!

In addition to getting back to more experimental work, I’ve also been thinking of other work tasks that were mentioned by my bosses earlier. One was to help put together a website for a new project in the lab, in a way that will make the information more accessible to the public. I get excited at the prospect of making some of this crazy science stuff a little more publicized – it seems that science education/media portrayal are pretty lacking these days, sadly. Also along those lines, my boss has grant money to put together a program for going into middle schools and helping kids work on exciting biomedical engineering projects, and asked me to help out. This is part of an effort to get kids more excited about science and engineering – since only 4% of US undergrads are engineering majors! That seems so low, especially when compared with 20% of European and 30% of Chinese undergrads. We need to spread the engineering love! Apparently, middle school is the age when kids start losing interest in science, so this program aims to help prevent some of that. It won’t be implemented until next fall, but it’s something to think about on the horizon.. maybe jotting some ideas about it can help spark my work excitement levels.

So there are some of my ideas. It is February after all, the love month ~ so may as well try to bring some lovin’ into my job, if I can! Do you love what you do? If not, any ideas for how to get to that point?

love conquers even football rivalries

Wow. What the heck happened to the Steelers this year??? They lost to the Browns. It is hard to believe. And frustrating for us Steelers fans, to see our team struggle so much this year.

However. I am in a “mixed marriage” in the sense that I cheer for the Steelers, and Steve cheers for the Browns. And the last time the Browns beat the Steelers was 6 years ago, just before we met for the first time. That means that in all our years together, I’ve experienced all the wins. Including the year I got Steve tickets to the Christmas Eve Browns/Steelers game, and the Steelers won 41-0. That was a bit awkward – “Merry Christmas, you get to see your team lose spectacularly to their rivals!”

So honey – you always were the bigger football fan anyway – this is your moment. And you’re stuck on a plane so you can’t even see it. I’m sorry you are missing it. This one is for you: way to go Brownies, congrats on finally beating the superbowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers! Because a loss for me is a win for you, and I know it is about time you get to win one ;)

cute, or gross? depends how much you like football, I guess

weather relativity

It is so so cold here today. I do not like these days when the temperatures dip below zero and it is physically painful to be outside. If I could have my way, I would just not go outside at all on these days. If I could just do my work from home and not have to face the wintery winds that chill to the bone, it would be easier. But there are lab meetings to attend and papers to revise and experiments to help with. So I have to trudge through the weather to and from the train. It is draining. Even inside, it feels like the condo just cannot get warm. The furnace keeps chugging away, trying to burn some warmth inside, but the insulation is lacking against these harsh conditions. And it’s just little old me here, just one small body producing heat. Maybe I’d be better at handling these cold days if my husband was here to help warm me up with his hugs. He is generous with his body heat; he always lets me warm my cold hands against the hot skin of his back.

I know I am being excessively negative right now. This weather has come so suddenly, and I guess I am not ready for it. Not that I ever really am. But it’s the whole relativity thing… November was unusually warm. Then within a span of one week, it’s become excessively cold. The average high for December 10 is 38°F; the average low is 22°F. Today, the high was 15°F and we didn’t hit that until after 6 pm; the low was 8! Just 8! That’s not including windchills, which were on the order of -15. Such a drastic swing in such a short amount of time makes the cold feel even colder, I think. It is hard not to get whiney when I just.can’t.get.warm.

But I should try looking on the bright side. It will be back in the 30s this weekend. And thanks to relativity, after feeling this extreme cold, those temperatures will feel downright balmy! I am grateful that the cold front is fairly short lived, at least. The lake has not even frozen so it can’t be that bad. The snow we got this week looks like powdered sugar has been dusted over everything. There is just the right amount to look pretty and not be inconvenient. My husband will come home tonight, assuming his flights go well, and will sneak in like a ninja in an attempt not to wake me (assuming I am sleeping by 1 am) and I will get to wake up with him tomorrow. And after next week, we will have 17 whole days together! Cannot wait. This weekend is also looking good ~ plans to decorate the Christmas tree, and spending time with friends.

Warmer days are ahead. For now, time to burrow under the duvet, where I will hopefully find some relief from the cold, and a bit of sleep.

thankful

Lots to be thankful for this year~ family, friends, faith, feeling like I’m making progress. And for a peaceful Thanksgiving day spent cooking up a fab turkey dinner in our cozy condo, with my awesome husband, who even did the dishes :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

our cute turkey, and the stuffing

table set for dinner, complete with fancy china and the bottle of Zinfandel we got at Napa Valley last month