a song for today

This song was written on the evening of 9/11/01 by one of my favorite bands (from Pittsburgh, my hometown!). The song continues to be a favorite of mine ~ it is haunting and hopeful.

Ten years later, the memories are still vivid, but it is still hard to find the right words. So a song, instead. And a prayer ~ we sang this one in church this morning and it really spoke to me:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

~Prayer of St. Francis

uncertainty

There are so many hard questions right now. Where to live, what to do with my career, what should steve do with his career (he is asking himself, as well), how do we spend more time with friends and family who are not close by, what about having kids? It's like being in the middle of the hardest exam ever but it just keeps going, for months. Hmm that is also what I said when I was writing my thesis…. But this is even harder than that, because I don't even have that nice structure of laying out chapters with intro/methods/results/discussion. My mind goes round in circles with these questions, and if I'm not careful, I get so stressed out at my own confusion that I end up feeling paralyzed and incapable of progressing at all.

I don’t know if I will be able to figure it all out. I'm trying to take it one at a time, like I did by starting with my own job hunt. But even the singular aspect of the job hunt is intrinsically linked to the other questions, anyway. Not to mention, the question "what do I want to do with my career" is hard enough on its own. Engineering, creativity, teamwork, prospects for growth and recognition, flexibilty for needs of my family….. Will I find the job that has the perfect balance of these things? 

The only approach that I can seem to manage is to tell that I will figure it out eventually, and to pray about it, and try my best to trust that God's plan will work out in the end so I shouldn't get overly stressed out. That trust is hard even though I like to think that I have strong faith. The fact that it's been hard lately is disappointing to me but I guess in the end, this whole process will hopefully have the result of strengthening my faith. I mean, after all, I guess I only need a mustardseed's worth of faith, right?

goodbye, January

I’ve been trying my best to fight it, but I still managed to sink into a pretty good January funk over the past month. Work frustrations + post-holiday boredom + crappy weather + lack of fun plans in my life have all conspired to sap me of energy and general motivation. I was a little bit encouraged when I watched a recent episode of 30 Rock and saw that it was themed on the January grumpiness phenomenon ~ so it’s not just me at least!

 

{seriously... what is there to do when it's so freaking cold outside??}

For more serious attempts at lifting my spirits, it's been good to get back into the women's faith sharing group at church. Last week one of the verses that came up was Romans 5:1-5 ~ especially the part about rejoicing in our sufferings, since suffering produces endurance which produces character which produces hope. This line tends to make the most sense after getting through hard times, when it's easy enough to look back and think, oh yeah that made me stronger, after all! But in the middle of suffering, it's really really hard to find much to rejoice over.

But. I think that it must have sunk in a bit more recently because last week, in the midst of my bad mood, full of typical grumpy bad mood thoughts, there was a new thought – that it was kind of good to be here in this place of discomfort. This surprised me, in my grumpiness - why would I be happy to be grumpy? Isn't that a  complete contradiction? Upon further reflection, I realized that it had to do with possibility… possibility of growth. The thought in my mind was, I wonder where I’ll end up after fighting through this, since getting through down periods in my life have ultimately made me stronger, overall. So, I mucked through the bad mood for the evening, alone. And you know what? It wasn’t so bad. Especially the part when I put on my Pandora dance party music station and danced around the condo.

So, Romans + solo dance party = solution to January funk? I can dig it.

I am glad that January is over, and hope that my general mood will improve in February. But, being that this is Chicago and we are still smack in the middle of winter, I know I can expect more crappy weather that could keep my spirits down. So, I started brainstorming some ideas for pick-me-ups to see me through to spring. Some ideas:

• bake something to bring to the 8:30 am Monday lab meetings. Mondays always suck since Steve leaves for the airport early, and then I have to go face a lab meeting at work. I'm sure it would help lab moral to bring in some goodies as a surprise :)
• try a new class at the gym. My workouts have been unispired lately. But in November I branched out and tried a spinning class. Despite fears in my head of ending up incapable of walking afterwards.. I ended up loving it. Great workout with an instructor who frequently includes Foo Fighters and Rusted Root in her playlists. I've been motivated to get to this class as it's still relatively new for me and I like the feelings of improvement with a new type of workout. There are lots of other classes that I could try out too... so I should try to add another new one to the mix, in hopes of maintaining motivaton for getting to the gym.
• work on some of the 2010 goals that are more fun ~ like planning a party or vacation! Having something to look forward to is always a good thing!
• call up old friends for a chat. I'm bad at this, but nothing cheers me up like hearing the voice of a good friend who I haven't talked to for awhile, and filling an hour or so catching up.

Anyway those are just a few thoughts... that are hopefully a little better for me than crawling into bed and sleeping til spring, or turning to large quantities of chocolate for comfort :) More suggestions for conquering the winter blahs are quite welcome!

finding my voice

i have a voice. it has stuff to say. it wants to yell, sometimes. i am not mute. sure i may be introverted, but i am not mute. i have a voice.

but then, so often, it feels like my voice is being stifled by self-doubt and insecurity.

it is so sad, the times when i wish i could speak up but find myself unable to, because of the nagging questions in my head, “will anyone care? Am I at all interesting?” sometimes this introversion is overwhelmingly frustrating. i do have things to say, things i want to contribute. i just wish i could use this voice. i wish i could make a difference. i wish i could say everything on my mind and detail all of my struggles and all of my dreams and all of the cherished moments of this life that keep me going.

maybe that's what i'm trying to do here, after all. i don't really know. i just know i keep coming back and writing more. Maybe I haven’t written anything worthwhile, not yet. But i am getting into this practice of writing, more and more. and as i write more, i keep feeling like i want to have other people read this stuff, too. yet it's so private; it feels so counter to my own nature to put myself on display like this. what is going on? am i reaching a point where my voice is fed up with being shut up inside of me? if I’m going to write here, how do i work up the courage to share it with others?

i don't know the answers to these questions. i do know that writing helps me feel better. i know that i want to keep writing.

i went to church yesterday, alone. the people who were there around me didn't really sing much. but i sang. i always sing at mass. i enjoy singing. i know i'm not especially good at it. my voice isn't quite strong enough; it's a bit wavy, and not in a practiced vibrato kind of way. but i can stay on key, and it's not unpleasant to the ear: i've recorded myself before, so that i could be sure. i've even had people nearby tell me that i sing nicely, a few times. i like singing; i think music is beautiful, and i think it's a beautiful way to worship and connect with God on a different level, less conscious than formal praying, but still important, and special. i sing at church – if not exactly loudly, it is also not timid, even when no one around me is singing. this is unusual because i am quite shy in many ways, and self-conscious, and tend not to speak up for myself all the time. but in church, i sing. in church, i have a voice.

i want more of my voice. maybe it will only be here, in this silly blog i made for myself. maybe no one else will ever see it. maybe i'll show it to some people, but no one will come read it. that's ok, because it still proves that i have a voice. the truth is, i wish that my voice could make a difference. ideally, i'd like for it to inspire and encourage others. i'd like to work up the courage to let my voice be heard by someone else in the world, the way i make my wavy voice heard at church, knowing that God loves me and appreciates my worship, even if no one who hears my voice particularly enjoys it. because if God appreciates my voice, then it's worth it. i have to remember that more often. maybe by remembering that, i'll find some more courage to let my voice ring out, loud and clear.

happy Advent :)

It seems that our society is so very quick to rush into “it’s time for the holidays!! Hurry up and get ready! Time to buy buy buy!!!” The stores push it on us immediately after Halloween. They want to make money, so I guess that’s their prerogative; if holiday items are out earlier, they are more likely to sell more of them.

I have also noticed this “hurry to Christmas!” phenomenon has been infiltrating regular life outside of the stores. Recently, I’ve heard either through some blogs I read or postings on facebook about this idea of finishing up nearly all Christmas prep before December 1. This includes all shopping, wrapping, Christmas card writing, decorating, and some of the baking. As I started seeing people talk about having all these things done, my reaction was “huh? I’m nowhere near that point! Is everyone really that much more organized than me?”

But. The thing is, I really like Christmas. I like all the tradition stuff that comes with it – decorating with pretty sparkly red and green, baking favorite cookies, picking out gifts for my family and friends. I like that it all feeds into this spirit of goodwill of Christmastime. And I like to do it all in the few weeks right before Christmas. I don’t really want to do it in November. Keeping it to a one-month period instead of a two month period seems to make it more special, to me. Does that actually mean that I’m disorganized?