finding my voice

i have a voice. it has stuff to say. it wants to yell, sometimes. i am not mute. sure i may be introverted, but i am not mute. i have a voice.

but then, so often, it feels like my voice is being stifled by self-doubt and insecurity.

it is so sad, the times when i wish i could speak up but find myself unable to, because of the nagging questions in my head, “will anyone care? Am I at all interesting?” sometimes this introversion is overwhelmingly frustrating. i do have things to say, things i want to contribute. i just wish i could use this voice. i wish i could make a difference. i wish i could say everything on my mind and detail all of my struggles and all of my dreams and all of the cherished moments of this life that keep me going.

maybe that's what i'm trying to do here, after all. i don't really know. i just know i keep coming back and writing more. Maybe I haven’t written anything worthwhile, not yet. But i am getting into this practice of writing, more and more. and as i write more, i keep feeling like i want to have other people read this stuff, too. yet it's so private; it feels so counter to my own nature to put myself on display like this. what is going on? am i reaching a point where my voice is fed up with being shut up inside of me? if I’m going to write here, how do i work up the courage to share it with others?

i don't know the answers to these questions. i do know that writing helps me feel better. i know that i want to keep writing.

i went to church yesterday, alone. the people who were there around me didn't really sing much. but i sang. i always sing at mass. i enjoy singing. i know i'm not especially good at it. my voice isn't quite strong enough; it's a bit wavy, and not in a practiced vibrato kind of way. but i can stay on key, and it's not unpleasant to the ear: i've recorded myself before, so that i could be sure. i've even had people nearby tell me that i sing nicely, a few times. i like singing; i think music is beautiful, and i think it's a beautiful way to worship and connect with God on a different level, less conscious than formal praying, but still important, and special. i sing at church – if not exactly loudly, it is also not timid, even when no one around me is singing. this is unusual because i am quite shy in many ways, and self-conscious, and tend not to speak up for myself all the time. but in church, i sing. in church, i have a voice.

i want more of my voice. maybe it will only be here, in this silly blog i made for myself. maybe no one else will ever see it. maybe i'll show it to some people, but no one will come read it. that's ok, because it still proves that i have a voice. the truth is, i wish that my voice could make a difference. ideally, i'd like for it to inspire and encourage others. i'd like to work up the courage to let my voice be heard by someone else in the world, the way i make my wavy voice heard at church, knowing that God loves me and appreciates my worship, even if no one who hears my voice particularly enjoys it. because if God appreciates my voice, then it's worth it. i have to remember that more often. maybe by remembering that, i'll find some more courage to let my voice ring out, loud and clear.