three oh.

last day in June. Yikes. Feels like this month flew by. I kept meaning to update here, but... well. To be honest, I think I was in a bit of a funk. I turned 30 at the beginning of the month. And yes, I realize it is ridiculous to let something as superficial as my age get to me. I mean, 30 is only a big deal in our society because we have a base-10 number system. I don't know, though. I guess it's just - I think we tend to move through life with some ideas in our head of where we will be by age x, where x tends to be some even landmark kind of number, like 30. I definitely had those ideas in my head. The problem is when you reach the landmark and your life doesn't match those ideas. It makes you start asking questions about how did I get here?

Part of the problem for me is that my life is in this big state of transition right now. Just having moved to a new town, with a new job, and not knowing many people here yet - that's hard. And if I sit and look at my life closely, like I was in the days following my birthday, it can look like it is lacking. For example, I am not great at making new friends - it takes me awhile. I do make friends, but I need time. And it's hard coming to a small town and a small company, after having been in a big city and working in a big research hospital, where I had lots of places to meet new people. I shared an office with 5 other students; every day my commute consisted of riding a train or bus with lots of other people - often including some of my good friends, and we'd pass the time chatting about our day or ranting about research or whatever. I was a part of several groups outside of work, as well. I had some old college friends in the city. I had an established role in a charity group and had made good friends there. In summary: I had a group in Chicago, a sense of community. Now, in my new town of Charlottesville, that sense of community is currently lacking. And I miss it.

There are nice people at my new company but they have a certain engineer personality.. they can be reserved socially. They don't initiate conversations, I have to draw them out. And -- guess what -- I also have that same personality. I am not great at initiating conversations with people I don't know well. With old friends? I'll yap away happily. But it takes awhile before I'm comfortable with new people. Currently, I am in the process of making new friends. There have been some definite steps towards friendships, but, knowing the way my personality works, it will take time. So at a given moment, in the middle of the week when I am finishing up a day where I didn't talk to anyone at work all day, and am going home to an empty house to spend the evening alone for the third night in a row- well. Sometimes it really gets to me. I get lonely. And then get frustrated. I am 30! I did not expect to be dealing with this kind of loneliness at this point in my life. By age 30, it seems like I should be established more. Established at work and with family and with friendships. For a long time I had a goal of wanting to be pregnant by the time I reached 30. And- well - I'm not. My reality is that all of this is in flux right now. I am brand new at work. My husband travels every single week, and June was by far the busiest he's ever been, so even when he was home he was often busy dealing with work. And my family and friends live far away. And life seems so complicated, because of all of these things, that the thought of getting to the point of having kids seems practically impossible.

So. This is what I was looking at, about my life, and where I am, and thinking, how did I get here? Where is my established career, and family life, and friendships? I couldn't quite see it, and I was struggling with that.

However. I know that I can't just look at my life at one isolated moment. It is in transition, and I am pretty sure it's moving in a good direction. Example: another goal that I had was to shake things up majorly and find a kick-arse job by the time I hit 30. And, I did! And while the beginning can be a struggle, I recently just survived the process of proposal deadlines - and some serious stress -  and made it out ok. It sort of felt like initiation...having been through that now I feel more like I belong, like I've been through a bonding experience. And if the proposal is successful, I will get a lot more responsibility, which is pretty exciting.

Steve too is finishing up his project after surviving his own deadlines. And we are really hoping that this will bring a reduced travel schedule from now on. I'm wary of believing it... I guess I don't have a lot of faith in his company right now, based on how demanding they've been in the past. But I am really hoping that he gets to spend more time at home. I think having him around more will have a huge part in making Charlottesville feel more like home, and less like some place I'm just visiting. Last weekend was the first weekend in along time when he didn't have to work, and it was so nice to just sit outside on our front porch and talk, and actually have time to enjoy being together. Finally, for friendships, I know I just have to keep pushing myself to make connections with people, and the relationships will develop. Eventually.

So. That's that. I am 30. I'm working on moving my life forward to the place where I want to be. I am trying to focus on that and not get hung up on temporary frustrations. This is where I am right now. And there are good things to come.